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How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success

 

A best-selling book by Julie Lythcott-Haims

F-M's BIG READ

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Did you miss Dr. Antshel's presentation on Student Stress & Anxiety? Check it out here!

Responses to Prompts at Big Read Meeting #2

Differences in parenting/educating now vs. when we were kids

 More siblings/larger families so olders took care of youngers

 More information leads to confusion and doubt about what is “right”

 Less respect for authority by parents when defending their children

 Society questioning parents’ methods of raising children

 Standards of safety (drills in schools)

 Expectations of after-school and extracurricular activities

 Village to raise a child vs. being an island

 Used to have more family time – dinner together

 Screen time

 Higher expectation for structured play/formal organized activity

 Parents doing homework for students

 Guidance for college application/acceptance/decision – internet vs books/brochures

 Some of our parents didn’t go to college

 Play dates vs. freedom to roam (“free range” kids aren’t “acceptable” anymore)

 Lack of free time due to homework, activities, sports, transcript…

 More interest in being a “friend” rather than a parent

 It feels like parents are more involved in solving our kids problems for them

 Schooltool (24hour/day monitoring)

 Tracking via gps (phones) & checking texts & social media posts

 Adderall and Ritalin

 There’s just “more” of everything – more expected from parents, from kids, etc.

 We were left to our own devices more – “figure it out”

 Authority (i.e. principal, teachers) were more respected

 OK to be left “out” without an adult and phone

 Lower student responsibility now

 Pressure of social media

 Academic pressure

 We could wander around town without police being called

 ADHD meds were rare

 Less competitive

 School is seen from a “consumer” perspective

 Less trust of teachers to do their job

We are overdoing for our kids by...

 Solving problems for them at school

 Trying to minimize disappointment

 Doing tasks for them

 Eliminating consequences

 Driving kids to school (when there are buses)

 Activity overload/driving them everywhere

 Not comfortable with boredom

 Not providing life skills!

 Parents/teachers not expected to look out for other kids

 Doing what’s easy/faster for me, rather than allowing the child to do it for themselves

 Reminding them to do things

 Bringing things to school that they’ve forgotten

 Not letting the kids do things because it’s not up to our standards

 Overscheduling activities

 Academics and activities overshadow family responsibilities

 Centering out social lives around our kids

 Doing chores/cooking/cleaning/organizing

 Making their lives “convenient” at the expense of other family members e.g. multiple pickups so kids don’t have to wait

 Selling girl scout cookies to colleagues

 Doing homework – different kids need different involvement – can look many ways “do at home with family has different interpretations.”

 Entertaining them/cruise director

 Constantly monitoring their grades

 Calling businesses, colleges & schools instead of holding kids accountable

So far I've learned...

 Overdoing = anxiety and depression in the real world

 Mistakes could and can be a positive

 Competitiveness/pressure on our kids to over perform is widespread

 We’re not alone in our fears

 More chores/responsibilities at home

 Grades aren’t as important as the learning process, amount of effort

 Too much emphasis on GPA, SAT scores in the college app process

 We have to let our children fail; they have to do “hard” challenging things and solve problems themselves

 My parents did a great job!

 I’m doing 50% right and 50% wrong

 Failure really is ok -> growth

 Importance of maintaining our adult lives

 A lot of what we think we should do to help kids with anxiety is actually not helpful to them

 A lot more people in FM agree with these ideas than I thought

 Even though my kids are older, there are still things I can do!

 I don’t have to fix everything

 Stress vs. anxiety – they are different

 Meaning of “concerted cultivation”

 Anxiety and depression in affluent teens corresponds with levels of anxiety and depression in incarcerated juveniles

 Teach our kids to be ok with being sad (and learn to live with our kids’ sadness)

 I’m a work in progress, and so are my kids, and that’s OK!

 If I don’t over-parent, I can regain some of my time, so everyone wins (less stress)

 Any over-parenting now can follow the children through life (elementary -> high -> college -> adult) Be a safety net without being a crutch.

 Advocate for the children without suffocating

 Abuse of Ritalin – how common it has become

I'm still wondering about...

 Strategies for encouraging independence and overcoming/allowing failures

 How can we change this over-parenting culture; how to be the outlier parent

 How do we stop parenting from a place of fear

 As technology progresses, how do you provide periods of “down time” or quiet? i.e. fill the boredom with imagination & reactive pursuits

 Short-term fun vs. long-term solution

 How to find the balance of support and overdoing as they get older

 How do I reclaim my life for myself (as an example for my kids)

 How can school and parents work together

 How do we instill the lines of open communication through college and beyond

 How can we communicate to the district our concerns about how the FM school district’s policies support over-parenting

 How can we communicate these ideas to parents not present

 What can we do to start teaching coping skills earlier (as parents? In school?)

 How do we turn things around in today’s society/culture

 How do we lower student and parent stress

 How to get more parent participation

 More need to learn about this (empowerment)

 Why kids don’t ride the bus

 How to encourage more independence

 Natural consequences

 Continue conversation next year… future

 How do we mitigate the “arms race” (tutor, private sports coaching, etc.)

 Where is the line of let them be sad and work through it and where is the line of intervening in serious/dangerous behavior or depression

 My ability to stick to it

 Societal norms and how it influences parenting

 School expectations (e.g. technology)

 Self-driven kids/parents role

 How to manage warring siblings

 Where will we be in 10/20 years without change

 the Adderall problem

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