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How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success

 

A best-selling book by Julie Lythcott-Haims

F-M's BIG READ

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Events

Upcoming Events

  • FM Big Read Finale
    FM Big Read Finale
    Mon, Mar 02
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School
    Mar 02, 2020, 6:30 PM
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School, 8201 E Seneca Turnpike, Manlius, NY 13104, USA
    Mar 02, 2020, 6:30 PM
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School, 8201 E Seneca Turnpike, Manlius, NY 13104, USA
    We will meet to discuss the final part of our Big Read, How to Raise an Adult!
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  • "Student Stress & Anxiety" (An Evening With Dr. Antshel)
    "Student Stress & Anxiety" (An Evening With Dr. Antshel)
    Tue, Jan 21
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School
    Jan 21, 2020, 6:30 PM
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School, 8201 E Seneca Turnpike, Manlius, NY 13104, USA
    Jan 21, 2020, 6:30 PM
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School, 8201 E Seneca Turnpike, Manlius, NY 13104, USA
    Dr. Kevin Antshel, Professor of Psychology and Director of the Clinical Psychology Doctoral Program at Syracuse University, will come speak to us about "Student Stress and Anxiety".
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  • FM Big Read #2 (How to Raise an Adult)
    FM Big Read #2 (How to Raise an Adult)
    Tue, Jan 07
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School
    Jan 07, 2020, 6:30 PM
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School, 8201 E Seneca Turnpike, Manlius, NY 13104, USA
    Jan 07, 2020, 6:30 PM
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School, 8201 E Seneca Turnpike, Manlius, NY 13104, USA
    Come to our second Big Read event! We will gather first as a large group and then break out into some smaller groups of perhaps 15-20 people for facilitated discussion. Please RSVP by 12/20 so that we can plan our smaller group conversations well!
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  • Big Read Kickoff Event RSVP
    Big Read Kickoff Event RSVP
    Mon, Oct 28
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School
    Oct 28, 2019, 6:30 PM – 8:00 PM
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School, 8201 E Seneca Turnpike, Manlius, NY 13104, USA
    Oct 28, 2019, 6:30 PM – 8:00 PM
    Fayetteville-Manlius High School, 8201 E Seneca Turnpike, Manlius, NY 13104, USA
    Come join us at the Kickoff Event for How to Raise an Adult. RSVP here to get communications leading up to the event.
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Did you miss Dr. Antshel's presentation on Student Stress & Anxiety? Check it out here!

Responses to Prompts at Big Read Meeting #2

Differences in parenting/educating now vs. when we were kids

 More siblings/larger families so olders took care of youngers

 More information leads to confusion and doubt about what is “right”

 Less respect for authority by parents when defending their children

 Society questioning parents’ methods of raising children

 Standards of safety (drills in schools)

 Expectations of after-school and extracurricular activities

 Village to raise a child vs. being an island

 Used to have more family time – dinner together

 Screen time

 Higher expectation for structured play/formal organized activity

 Parents doing homework for students

 Guidance for college application/acceptance/decision – internet vs books/brochures

 Some of our parents didn’t go to college

 Play dates vs. freedom to roam (“free range” kids aren’t “acceptable” anymore)

 Lack of free time due to homework, activities, sports, transcript…

 More interest in being a “friend” rather than a parent

 It feels like parents are more involved in solving our kids problems for them

 Schooltool (24hour/day monitoring)

 Tracking via gps (phones) & checking texts & social media posts

 Adderall and Ritalin

 There’s just “more” of everything – more expected from parents, from kids, etc.

 We were left to our own devices more – “figure it out”

 Authority (i.e. principal, teachers) were more respected

 OK to be left “out” without an adult and phone

 Lower student responsibility now

 Pressure of social media

 Academic pressure

 We could wander around town without police being called

 ADHD meds were rare

 Less competitive

 School is seen from a “consumer” perspective

 Less trust of teachers to do their job

We are overdoing for our kids by...

 Solving problems for them at school

 Trying to minimize disappointment

 Doing tasks for them

 Eliminating consequences

 Driving kids to school (when there are buses)

 Activity overload/driving them everywhere

 Not comfortable with boredom

 Not providing life skills!

 Parents/teachers not expected to look out for other kids

 Doing what’s easy/faster for me, rather than allowing the child to do it for themselves

 Reminding them to do things

 Bringing things to school that they’ve forgotten

 Not letting the kids do things because it’s not up to our standards

 Overscheduling activities

 Academics and activities overshadow family responsibilities

 Centering out social lives around our kids

 Doing chores/cooking/cleaning/organizing

 Making their lives “convenient” at the expense of other family members e.g. multiple pickups so kids don’t have to wait

 Selling girl scout cookies to colleagues

 Doing homework – different kids need different involvement – can look many ways “do at home with family has different interpretations.”

 Entertaining them/cruise director

 Constantly monitoring their grades

 Calling businesses, colleges & schools instead of holding kids accountable

So far I've learned...

 Overdoing = anxiety and depression in the real world

 Mistakes could and can be a positive

 Competitiveness/pressure on our kids to over perform is widespread

 We’re not alone in our fears

 More chores/responsibilities at home

 Grades aren’t as important as the learning process, amount of effort

 Too much emphasis on GPA, SAT scores in the college app process

 We have to let our children fail; they have to do “hard” challenging things and solve problems themselves

 My parents did a great job!

 I’m doing 50% right and 50% wrong

 Failure really is ok -> growth

 Importance of maintaining our adult lives

 A lot of what we think we should do to help kids with anxiety is actually not helpful to them

 A lot more people in FM agree with these ideas than I thought

 Even though my kids are older, there are still things I can do!

 I don’t have to fix everything

 Stress vs. anxiety – they are different

 Meaning of “concerted cultivation”

 Anxiety and depression in affluent teens corresponds with levels of anxiety and depression in incarcerated juveniles

 Teach our kids to be ok with being sad (and learn to live with our kids’ sadness)

 I’m a work in progress, and so are my kids, and that’s OK!

 If I don’t over-parent, I can regain some of my time, so everyone wins (less stress)

 Any over-parenting now can follow the children through life (elementary -> high -> college -> adult) Be a safety net without being a crutch.

 Advocate for the children without suffocating

 Abuse of Ritalin – how common it has become

I'm still wondering about...

 Strategies for encouraging independence and overcoming/allowing failures

 How can we change this over-parenting culture; how to be the outlier parent

 How do we stop parenting from a place of fear

 As technology progresses, how do you provide periods of “down time” or quiet? i.e. fill the boredom with imagination & reactive pursuits

 Short-term fun vs. long-term solution

 How to find the balance of support and overdoing as they get older

 How do I reclaim my life for myself (as an example for my kids)

 How can school and parents work together

 How do we instill the lines of open communication through college and beyond

 How can we communicate to the district our concerns about how the FM school district’s policies support over-parenting

 How can we communicate these ideas to parents not present

 What can we do to start teaching coping skills earlier (as parents? In school?)

 How do we turn things around in today’s society/culture

 How do we lower student and parent stress

 How to get more parent participation

 More need to learn about this (empowerment)

 Why kids don’t ride the bus

 How to encourage more independence

 Natural consequences

 Continue conversation next year… future

 How do we mitigate the “arms race” (tutor, private sports coaching, etc.)

 Where is the line of let them be sad and work through it and where is the line of intervening in serious/dangerous behavior or depression

 My ability to stick to it

 Societal norms and how it influences parenting

 School expectations (e.g. technology)

 Self-driven kids/parents role

 How to manage warring siblings

 Where will we be in 10/20 years without change

 the Adderall problem

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