Upcoming Events
- FM Big Read FinaleMon, Mar 02Fayetteville-Manlius High School
- "Student Stress & Anxiety" (An Evening With Dr. Antshel)Tue, Jan 21Fayetteville-Manlius High School
- FM Big Read #2 (How to Raise an Adult)Tue, Jan 07Fayetteville-Manlius High School
- Big Read Kickoff Event RSVPMon, Oct 28Fayetteville-Manlius High School
Did you miss Dr. Antshel's presentation on Student Stress & Anxiety? Check it out here!
Responses to Prompts at Big Read Meeting #2
Differences in parenting/educating now vs. when we were kids
More siblings/larger families so olders took care of youngers
More information leads to confusion and doubt about what is “right”
Less respect for authority by parents when defending their children
Society questioning parents’ methods of raising children
Standards of safety (drills in schools)
Expectations of after-school and extracurricular activities
Village to raise a child vs. being an island
Used to have more family time – dinner together
Screen time
Higher expectation for structured play/formal organized activity
Parents doing homework for students
Guidance for college application/acceptance/decision – internet vs books/brochures
Some of our parents didn’t go to college
Play dates vs. freedom to roam (“free range” kids aren’t “acceptable” anymore)
Lack of free time due to homework, activities, sports, transcript…
More interest in being a “friend” rather than a parent
It feels like parents are more involved in solving our kids problems for them
Schooltool (24hour/day monitoring)
Tracking via gps (phones) & checking texts & social media posts
Adderall and Ritalin
There’s just “more” of everything – more expected from parents, from kids, etc.
We were left to our own devices more – “figure it out”
Authority (i.e. principal, teachers) were more respected
OK to be left “out” without an adult and phone
Lower student responsibility now
Pressure of social media
Academic pressure
We could wander around town without police being called
ADHD meds were rare
Less competitive
School is seen from a “consumer” perspective
Less trust of teachers to do their job
We are overdoing for our kids by...
Solving problems for them at school
Trying to minimize disappointment
Doing tasks for them
Eliminating consequences
Driving kids to school (when there are buses)
Activity overload/driving them everywhere
Not comfortable with boredom
Not providing life skills!
Parents/teachers not expected to look out for other kids
Doing what’s easy/faster for me, rather than allowing the child to do it for themselves
Reminding them to do things
Bringing things to school that they’ve forgotten
Not letting the kids do things because it’s not up to our standards
Overscheduling activities
Academics and activities overshadow family responsibilities
Centering out social lives around our kids
Doing chores/cooking/cleaning/organizing
Making their lives “convenient” at the expense of other family members e.g. multiple pickups so kids don’t have to wait
Selling girl scout cookies to colleagues
Doing homework – different kids need different involvement – can look many ways “do at home with family has different interpretations.”
Entertaining them/cruise director
Constantly monitoring their grades
Calling businesses, colleges & schools instead of holding kids accountable
So far I've learned...
Overdoing = anxiety and depression in the real world
Mistakes could and can be a positive
Competitiveness/pressure on our kids to over perform is widespread
We’re not alone in our fears
More chores/responsibilities at home
Grades aren’t as important as the learning process, amount of effort
Too much emphasis on GPA, SAT scores in the college app process
We have to let our children fail; they have to do “hard” challenging things and solve problems themselves
My parents did a great job!
I’m doing 50% right and 50% wrong
Failure really is ok -> growth
Importance of maintaining our adult lives
A lot of what we think we should do to help kids with anxiety is actually not helpful to them
A lot more people in FM agree with these ideas than I thought
Even though my kids are older, there are still things I can do!
I don’t have to fix everything
Stress vs. anxiety – they are different
Meaning of “concerted cultivation”
Anxiety and depression in affluent teens corresponds with levels of anxiety and depression in incarcerated juveniles
Teach our kids to be ok with being sad (and learn to live with our kids’ sadness)
I’m a work in progress, and so are my kids, and that’s OK!
If I don’t over-parent, I can regain some of my time, so everyone wins (less stress)
Any over-parenting now can follow the children through life (elementary -> high -> college -> adult) Be a safety net without being a crutch.
Advocate for the children without suffocating
Abuse of Ritalin – how common it has become
I'm still wondering about...
Strategies for encouraging independence and overcoming/allowing failures
How can we change this over-parenting culture; how to be the outlier parent
How do we stop parenting from a place of fear
As technology progresses, how do you provide periods of “down time” or quiet? i.e. fill the boredom with imagination & reactive pursuits
Short-term fun vs. long-term solution
How to find the balance of support and overdoing as they get older
How do I reclaim my life for myself (as an example for my kids)
How can school and parents work together
How do we instill the lines of open communication through college and beyond
How can we communicate to the district our concerns about how the FM school district’s policies support over-parenting
How can we communicate these ideas to parents not present
What can we do to start teaching coping skills earlier (as parents? In school?)
How do we turn things around in today’s society/culture
How do we lower student and parent stress
How to get more parent participation
More need to learn about this (empowerment)
Why kids don’t ride the bus
How to encourage more independence
Natural consequences
Continue conversation next year… future
How do we mitigate the “arms race” (tutor, private sports coaching, etc.)
Where is the line of let them be sad and work through it and where is the line of intervening in serious/dangerous behavior or depression
My ability to stick to it
Societal norms and how it influences parenting
School expectations (e.g. technology)
Self-driven kids/parents role
How to manage warring siblings
Where will we be in 10/20 years without change
the Adderall problem